Untangling Ourselves

“But I’m not a racist,” is the first thing that came to my mind when our team decided to read How to be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi, and claim together as a team that our organization is antiracist.

I’m an empathetic person who loves to work with people and take care of others. I strive to lead with compassion and an open heart, wanting truth, justice, and peace for all. This is my intent and hope for humanity. So what I didn’t realize then was that just by thinking that phrase—I am not a racist—cut me off from learning how I actually might be on some unconscious level, and how most people don’t want to admit that they are racist. 

I grew up in a small rural town in New Hampshire and still reside here. It has open farmlands, small local businesses, and a tightly knit community, so I haven’t been exposed to other ethnicities or races here as much as you might see in a large city. Because of this, I am being moved and stretched through Kendi’s book. It makes me really uncomfortable, as the material can feel unsettling and unfamiliar. He brought up my white privilege and how disconnected I can be at times to what I take for granted, things that others have to fight for. 

For example, in one of our team discussions, a colleague was with a friend in New York City. Their friend is a person of color, and while waiting in line, someone asked where they were from. At first I wondered what was wrong with that. Why can’t we relate to others in a curious way, making conversation and a connection? What floored me—and still leaves me confused—is that I might not ask somebody who is white that same question. I was feeling upset and totally vulnerable, though I brought the question to the group with honest curiosity, and was met with a loving response and a deeper understanding. I see now that there is this perception or underlying current of not seeing that person as a whole, but instead seeing them as “different.” Talk about seeing a new paradigm within yourself that you never thought existed before!

Fast forward to the insurrection in Washington D.C. on January 6th. I was stunned in disbelief as I saw images and watched videos of mostly white men storm the Capitol building. I thought, There is NO WAY that if this was a Black Lives Matter march that it would have been dealt with in the same way. I was so incredibly angry, and felt helpless that I couldn’t do anything about it.  In one video, Eugene Goodman, a Capitol police officer who is a man of color, is approached by one of the insurrectionists, and though this white man is yelling at him, he stayed calm, never drew his weapon, and even led him down another hallway away from Congress, saving so many lives in the process. If the tables were turned and that was a man of color approaching a white man it would have been so different—and we all know it.  

This is where I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, What does it really mean to see each person in their own humanity? How do you even see someone’s humanity? It’s one of the four pillars of inclusion here at Global Round Table Leadership: we recognize each other and meet as equals in the best of our humanity—what exists at the core of us—before relating through roles, status, and expertise. 

Through reading How to be an Antiracist, I want to shed old dynamics so I can meet others and myself with openness. I’m left pondering what it means to share power and share leadership: what do those terms really mean, and what do they mean to me? What exists at the core of us? What is it that makes us see each other as equals, and can we honestly do that?

I am still in the question of how this book is impacting my thinking, what words I speak, and the intentionality they bring. There is a certain recipe of mindfulness and bringing that into the mix. While I don’t have the answers, I am being worked intellectually into wanting to find them, so that I know and understand.

As I read this quote from Kendi, I am comforted knowing that on some level if we can bring our openness, our own relationship to our own truth, and not judge ourselves, we can begin to see where we are disconnected in our own thinking. If we are able to listen within with curiosity, we can begin to untangle ourselves, and unveil from our own shadows.